In many cultures across the world, elders are honored and respected. This tradition is rooted in the belief that with age comes wisdom. Life experience is expected to shape people into thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, and grounded individuals. Elders are often viewed as the moral compass of families and communities. That is why older siblings, parents, aunties, uncles, grandparents, and community leaders are held in such high regard.
But here is the real question. What happens when an elder is not acting in a respectful way toward those younger than them?
What happens when a younger person continues to be kind and respectful, only to be met with criticism, passive aggression, controlling behavior, or outright rudeness? And what happens when that behavior is brushed off with lines like, “I am older, so I know better,” or “You must respect me no matter what”?
This is where cultural expectations can start to feel one sided and even harmful. While age may earn someone the right to be listened to, it does not give anyone permission to mistreat others. Respect is not a license to control or dismiss. It is not a free pass to ignore how your words and actions affect other people.
The truth is that age alone does not automatically earn respect.
Real respect should be mutual. It should reflect how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. Self respect starts from within. The way I speak to people, the way I show up in relationships, the way I hold space for others, all of that is a reflection of how I value myself. If I carry bitterness, pride, or unhealed wounds, then I will project those things onto the people around me, especially those who are younger or more vulnerable.
If I, at my age, speak down to a younger sibling, cousin, niece, nephew, or my own child, that says more about what is going on inside me than it does about them. If I cannot respect myself, I will struggle to respect anyone else. Age does not change that truth.
This brings us back to the question. Should a disrespectful elder still be respected?
In my opinion, no. Not without accountability.
Now, this does not mean we need to be rude or dismissive. We can speak up without tearing anyone down. We can set boundaries without causing a scene. We can be respectful and assertive at the same time.
You can say something like, "I care about you and value your role in my life, but the way you are speaking to me is not okay. I am not going to allow myself to be treated like this." That is not disrespect. That is clarity. That is self awareness in action.
And let us be honest. Some elders have stopped growing. They have stopped reflecting. They have stopped evolving. They may have added years to their life, but they have not added depth to their character. And when someone younger calls them out, it is often labeled as being disrespectful. But in reality, it is a wake up call.
There is nothing wrong with expecting growth from those who expect respect.
Respect is not meant to be rooted in fear or guilt. It should come from truth, connection, and mutual understanding. If someone’s behavior consistently crosses the line, it is not only okay to set boundaries. It is necessary.
We need to stop confusing tradition with emotional silence. We need to stop glorifying age without expecting emotional maturity. We need to normalize standing up for ourselves without feeling guilty about it.
Because real wisdom is not about how many birthdays someone has celebrated. It is about how they treat people. It is about how they choose to grow. It is about how much love, humility, and self awareness they bring into the room.
If someone has not learned how to be kind, compassionate, and respectful, then maybe their age is not the measure of wisdom we once thought it was.
And that is okay to say out loud.
Love,
Umi
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