I’ve always heard that pilgrimage is a call. Something sacred. Something deeply personal. I never thought it would come for me, at least not now. Maybe later in life, I thought. When I was older. When I had done more. When I was a better believer.
I imagined myself being more perfect, more spiritually put together, someone who had earned the right to meet God in such a holy place.
But here I am, with the call reaching me earlier than I ever expected.
To be honest, I never felt like I was ready to visit these sacred places. I carried this belief that I had to be more more faithful, more pure, more certain. I thought you had to arrive at Hajj having already done all the inner work. Instead, what I am realizing is that the journey is the work. The call came not because I was perfect, but because I am ready to grow.
I have always had questions about God. My seeking began early. I remember being four years old and already wondering about the nature of God, trying to make sense of the unseen. I asked questions constantly. Sometimes I was met with silence. Other times, I was answered. That asking too much was dangerous, even blasphemous for some.
But I could not stop. I wanted to know. I needed to feel something real.
I read everything I could. I looked for God in books, in stories, in silence, in fear, in darkness. I found pieces of God not just in the mosque, but in my soul. In quiet moments. In questions that still have no answers.
My mother supported me in that journey. She gave me room to explore. She too had grown up with a father who allowed her to read beyond borders, to see the many ways people reach for the Divine. That freedom shaped me.
What I’ve come to believe is this: God lives in us. The temple, the mosque, the church-these are reminders. But the real sanctuary is within. The true sacred space is the heart.
So I do not know exactly what this call to Hajj is meant to show me. But I feel it deeply. And I am listening. I am curious. I am open. I have surrendered.
I know this experience will change me. I don’t know how, but I feel the shift already. My soul will not be the same.
I want to be a vessel for something divine. I want to let light move through me. I want to walk this path with humility and honesty.
There is no such thing as perfection. But there is the human who tries. The human who grows. The human who keeps showing up, better than they were a year ago.
I used to fear that after Hajj I would have to become some ideal version of myself, flawless, unwavering, untouchable. But now I see that growth does not happen in perfection. It happens in learning. In making mistakes. In getting up again and again with new wisdom.
The goal is not to become perfect. The goal is to become more illuminated from within. To evolve. To allow myself to become something new and be honest about who that person is. To grow in wisdom and learn the lessons life has for me, hopefully some of them gently.
As the days draw closer, I feel a mix of emotions—excitement, nervousness, curiosity. I know there will be moments that stretch me. I value cleanliness, quiet, and personal space, all of which will be tested in such a crowded, intense environment. But I also know that this discomfort is part of the journey. It is how transformation happens.
I am a seeker of light. And if this path will bring me closer to it, then I am ready.
I do not need to be perfect to be called by God. I just need to be willing.
Love,
Umi
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